One big change in my world lately, besides the restrictions enforced during the COVID pandemic, is that I’ve had more time to work on myself now that my little ones are both old enough to attend school. Just in the last year, I’ve taken online courses on writing, online business platforms, productivity, and learning new apps such as Notion and Roam. I’ve also been able to work more on organizing my home and projects. 

I started my first online cohort-based course (CBC) last year – Building a Second Brain. It was scary-exciting for me. It was held live with a big group of people – there were hundreds of us! Then the instructor requested we turn on our video cameras. I never saw so many faces, adult faces, at one time, in my life. It was overwhelming. Uncomfortable. Knowing that they all could see me as well (and could be looking straight at me!) was pounding-heart frightening. 

After taking a few more online CBCs, being in front of so many people, albeit virtually, slowly desensitized me to having many eyes seemingly staring up at me at the exact time. But I still find it difficult to get the nerve to speak up in a large group. It’s never been my thing, but I do enjoy listening to questions being asked and discussed.

I revel in this new world of learning. 

I’ve especially appreciated the breakout rooms in the Write of Passage course, where the large group breaks off into much smaller groups of 2-4 people to have a discussion on a specific theme or topic. I started off nervous in the beginning, anxiety kicking in as soon as the call started, knowing breakout sessions were going to happen. I’d get a tightness in my chest. My hands would suddenly get cold and clammy. My face hot. Flushed. 

But then I would get into the conversation and it would trip a switch inside me, bringing something to life. It has been more than six years since I became a full-time parent at home and the house manager. I hadn’t had a decent conversation with another adult besides my family in all that time, long even before the pandemic began! Seriously. Maybe I’d chat with old friends every other month or so, but to have an intellectual, mind-titillating discourse?? Not in ages! 

I took all this in like a starved animal. But until then, I didn’t even know I was malnourished. As soon as I imbibed, I just became hungry for more. Most times I felt flooded with so many inspiring ideas and breathtaking aha moments hitting me in just one heavy conversation. It was like drinking from a fire hose. But I couldn’t get enough. There’s so much exhilarating glee to be had when you’ve found kindred spirits to hold, even if only in cyberspace. For now. 

I am a different person. Nothing has been added or taken away from me. There are just some things that have surfaced from deep down inside, brought out by dialogues with brilliant souls who unexpectedly feel like family.

These are my people. This is my tribe. I now know who I am through knowing them.