I get a lot of “oh, wow!” when I tell people I have four kids. Then I get an even bigger “oh, wow!” when I add that I also have five dogs and three cats. I let that sink in for a second. I quickly follow with, “But I do only have one husband!” and they immediately crack up laughing, breaking out of their fright of what they just imagined how hellish my life must be. 

Then: “Wow, you’ve got a lot going on!”

Yes, I do. Doesn’t everybody? I don’t really know how the rest of the world lives. I had my first child a month before I turned 20 so I’ve been a single parent since before I could walk into a bar!

That’s always been my life. Six years into it, I had a second daughter and it was just the three of us for almost two decades, until I met my husband eight years ago. I birthed my third daughter and then, finally, a son.

I’ve had children practically my whole entire adult life. I was never in the position to decide if or when to have kids, whether to wait until after I got a career going, or maybe when I meet that “special someone” and get married first.

Oh, wait – these kids are already here! Okay then. Nothing to do but keep going. 

So major decisions revolved around them from the very beginning, more than anything. 

• Where to live (had to be in an area with great public schools), 
• What kind of job to get (had to HAVE paid health insurance and not work nights or weekends), and 
• How much money to make (had to be able to afford at least a two-bedroom apartment in a really good neighborhood in the Bay Area). 

I ticked off all those boxes. Those were the basics I targeted. 

I tried to finish my college degree but I couldn’t squeeze in the time. Nothing much else fit, especially when they were younger. We all had to wake up early (like 6 am early!), so I could drop one off at daycare and one at school then make it to work in San Francisco by 8 am. It was a lot of effort preparing clothes and lunches the night before and then getting us all ready in the morning so I could catch the train on time. Then after work, I had to do the whole thing in reverse – take the train back in time to pick them up before daycare closed, then drive home and make dinner.  After eating was the time to hang out and relax for a bit before having to clean up, help out with homework, pack lunches, and prepare for the next day. It was great that my eldest helped out a lot. 

When they were older, it got better. Easier. 

They were able to walk to and from school on their own. I remember getting excited to come home to them, scrambling through the front door of our apartment yelling, “Where’re my bitches at?!?” and they’d yell back, “We’re in the kitchen mom!” 

I slipped cuss words constantly and one time my eldest finally declared that I would have to give her a dollar for every single bad word I said. I ended up handing her over $60 in one month. Terrible deal for me. So I had to put an end to that bullshit. 

But they were absolutely not allowed to say any curse words at all! In fact, there were more words they were forbidden to say.

The W word for WHATEVER. 

The H word for HATE.

The S word for STUPID.

And the big F word for FINE. 

Especially not that last one. Saying this one word alone, FINE, comes with a disrespectful tone followed by a turned back and a huff-and-puff walk-off that I did not, WILL NOT, stand for. “And don’t cross your arms at me either!” 

They would get a warning glare from me if they even dared come close to saying any of these words. “Did you just…??? Were you about to…??” And I gave the best stink-eye. They knew not to argue with me. I may have been lax and fun as a mom but I knew I had to keep a tight ship around the house, especially with them not having a father figure present. 

As they got older, I established stricter boundaries. 

Number one was ‘do not lie.’ I don’t care what happened, what you did, what you’re doing. Just don’t lie to me. How can I help you if I don’t know what’s really going on? 

The second one was ‘I need to know where you are when you are not at home nor at school.’ Period. Either text me or call me. I need to know when you change locations. 

My second daughter has some developmental delays and intellectual disability so I kept/keep her close. These rules applied more to my eldest, who was out and about a lot, involved in endless endeavors since grade school through high school.

In sharp contrast to my second, she graduated with honors in high school. She was also the class president and excelled in many extracurricular activities. She performed in plays, sang in the choir since middle school, once directed a poetry slam contest, and competed in track competitions around the Bay Area. She also had many friends whom she hung out with on a regular basis after school. 

It was imperative that I knew where she was, what she was doing, whom she was with, and, more importantly, that she was safe. I stressed this even more clearly when she’d try to test me. 

I was not messing around. I had to be the boss. I had to be strict. It was my job to keep them safe.

My eldest daughter went on to finish college with a double major, earning the highest distinction, summa cum laude. I guess that bit of discipline paid off and rubbed off on her. A few years later, she told me a few stupid things she used to do in high school that I didn’t know about. I just laughed and shook my head. Whatever. No harm came to her and she turned out superb. 

Kids are fun. Kids are great. They can be awful, too, but they’re your kind of awful, you know? They’re your personal turds. And it’s the best! I wouldn’t have it any other way if I got a do-over. The only thing I would probably change would be me – to have been more focused and intent on a career, saved more money, made good use of whatever downtime I had to learn and study more. Otherwise, I’m all good. 

I have many people, usually women without kids, ask me how I did it, how I do it. I don’t know. I just do. It’s elementary. Seriously. The job is just to keep the kids alive, make sure they feel loved and fully accepted, then guide them to grow up to be good and kind human beings that bring value to the world and its inhabitants. 

Everything else is a piece of cake.