My face betrays me all the time. It is the opposite of deadpan. Even when I’m asleep, I’m told I have this expression like I’m thinking hard or disapprove of something. I have a sleeping bitch face, I suppose.   

Now on Zoom calls, it’s been more challenging for me to hide my emotions, especially the negative ones. My face is all anyone sees of me during a call. I can’t distract from it.

I don’t do it intentionally, but I tend to get swept by all and any emotions coming through, and they show up right on my face for everyone to see. It’s annoying. 

During video calls, I sometimes catch myself with quirky expressions when I gaze at the box with my head in it. In a bigger grid with more faces, I can hide. In a smaller group or on a one-on-one video call, I feel more vulnerable. I get more self-conscious. I worry about what comical expression I currently have on my face. I’m so distracted, I grapple to hold on to a clear train of thought while I try to speak with some coherence. It is a complete mindfuck. 

I sometimes envy people who can usually maintain a neutral, blank expression. How convenient. How safe! What a reliable face! But when I try that vacant look, I start to feel bored. Disinterested. Disconnected. 

I’d rather be engaged, participative, involved.

Honest. 

I guess how I feel is what you’re going to get. I’m sorry.